


"CAN YOU EVEN WRAP YOUR ROTTED SPONGE AROUND THE MAGNITUDE OF THE NARCISSISM YOU HAVE MUSTERED?"

by maria_j_harper



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Dorks, Existential Crisis, John is unintentionally a bit of a jerk, M/M, Swearing
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-08-28
Updated: 2014-08-28
Packaged: 2018-02-15 04:18:52
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 867
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2215542
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/maria_j_harper/pseuds/maria_j_harper
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"I've been having these weird thoughts lately, like, is any of this for real? Or not?" - Sora Kingdom Hearts<br/>Or: In which John is feeling a bit uncertain about the reality of everything that's been going on, and Karkat chews him out for it.</p>
            </blockquote>





	"CAN YOU EVEN WRAP YOUR ROTTED SPONGE AROUND THE MAGNITUDE OF THE NARCISSISM YOU HAVE MUSTERED?"

EB: hey karkat?  
EB: i have a question.  
EB: it has to do with the game.  
CG: OH GOOD. BECAUSE ANSWERING THE INANE QUESTIONS OF IDIOTIC HUMANS IS MY FAVORITE THING TO DO. THERE IS LITERALLY NOTHING I WOULD PREFER TO SPEND MY TIME ON. I OFTEN WAIT BY MY COMPUTER IN MY FREE MOMENTS WITH BAITED BREATH, PRAYING FOR YET ANOTHER PAN-ROTTED INQUIRY. PLEASE JOHN, ASK AWAY! I EAGERLY AWAIT YOUR SATISFYINGLY STUPID QUESTION.  
EB: heh, thanks for trying to make me feel better karkat, but this is serious business.  
EB: i’ve been having really weird thoughts lately, like, is any of this for real?  
EG: or not?  
CG: WHAT THE HELL IS THAT SUPPOSED TO MEAN?  
EB: well like, everything that’s happened, it all feels so surreal.  
EB: i’m just a 13 year old kid for christ’s sakes!  
EB: john egbert doesn’t fight monsters! john egbert isn’t a god! john egbert doesn’t die, come back, and then die again!  
EB: john egbert doesn’t fall in love with a weird alien troll who he’s never actually met in real life. how the hell am i supposed to know if any of this is actually happening?  
CG: SO, WHAT, YOU THINK EVERYTHING IS SOME KIND OF... HALLUCINATION OR SOMETHING? YOU REALLY THINK THAT YOUR FEEBLE THINKPAN COULD COME UP WITH THE KIND OF SHIT THAT WE BOTH KNOW HAS BEEN GOING DOWN?  
EB: no, probably not. but what if it’s just some kind of game construct? sburb was always supposed to be a super immersive game experience. what if... what if i’m really still just at home on my computer? what if we win and jade messages me to say “wow, those npc trolls sure were realistic!”? what if it’s all just fake the way magic is?  
CG: ...  
CG: DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW IMMENSELY EGOTISTICAL, NOT TO MENTION ASTOUNDINGLY STUPID THAT IS? CAN YOU EVEN WRAP YOUR ROTTED SPONGE AROUND THE MAGNITUDE OF THE NARCISSISM YOU HAVE MUSTERED?  
CG: NOT ONLY WOULD YOUR THEORY MEAN THAT I AND ALL OF THE OTHER TROLLS ARE FAKE, BUT WE AND ALL OF OUR EXPLOITS, OUR SUCCESSES AND OUR FAILURES, OUR PAIN AND OUR JOY, ONLY EXIST FOR YOUR AMUSEMENT. TO MAKE "A MORE REALISTIC GAMING EXPERIENCE!"  
CG: I ALWAYS KNEW YOU WERE AN INCOMPETENT BULGELICKER, BUT I HAD THOUGHT YOU WERE BETTER THAN THAT.  
CG: AND DIDN’T YOU SAY YOU WERE IN LOVE WITH A TROLL? YOU THINK THAT THE PERSON YOU ARE IN LOVE WITH MIGHT BE A *GAME CONSTRUCT?* THAT IS BEYOND FUCKED UP!  
CG: HOW DO YOU THINK VRISKA WOULD FEEL IF SHE KNEW YOU WERE HAVING THESE KINDS OF THOUGHTS?  
EB: vriska? what does she have to do with anything?  
CG: YOU’VE ONLY EVER REALLY TALKED TO ME AND HER. YOU SAID YOU WERE IN LOVE WITH A TROLL. I DID THE EXCRUCIATINGLY SIMPLE MATH, AND PUT TWO AND TWO TOGETHER.  
EB: oh. haha, right, of course. i would have to be in love with vriska, wouldn’t i?  
EB: because i told you i’m not a homosexual, and it’s not like i could have possibly, i don’t know, changed my mind or anything.  
EB: nope, once a person chooses a sexuality it’s as good as theirs, for life.  
EB: it’s not like i’m thirteen and still trying to figure this out.  
EB: its not like i could have fallen in love with you and realized that when you like a person enough, whether they’re a guy or a girl just doesn’t seem to matter as much as it used to.  
EB: no, vriska is totally who i meant in that statement.  
CG: NICE SARCASTIC RANT. REALLY, THAT WAS IMPRESSIVE.  
EB: :0 oh no, i’m turning into you! next i’ll start lecturing about the quadrants at poor unsuspecting humans or something!  
CG: JUST WHAT PARADOXSPACE NEEDS *TWO* RAVING ASSHOLES THAT-   
CG: WAIT, WHAT DID YOU MEAN “ME?”  
EB: have you heard yoursef? you rant sarcastically ALL THE TIME!  
EB: you're constantly handing people their own ass.  
EB: it’s like you used to know nothing but ass famine, so when you see some poor guy on the street begging on the street for his ass to be handed to him you just have to do it, because you’re just that sort of person.  
CG: NO, NUMBSKULL, BEFORE THAT. WHAT DID YOU MEAN WHEN YOU SAID IT’S NOT LIKE YOU COULD HAVE FALLEN IN LOVE WITH ME?  
EB: oh gosh, did i really just say that?  
EB: yep. that sure was a thing i said.  
EB: woops.  
EB: but i would think that it’s pretty self-explanatory. there’s more than one way to put two and two together karkat.  
EB: now you know i guess.  
CG: OH.  
EB: “oh?” is that a good “oh or a bad “oh?”  
CG: DEPENDS. DO YOU STILL THINK I MIGHT BE A GAME CONSTRUCT?  
EB: umm... maybe? it’s just a weird thought i’ve been having lately.  
CG: ... WHAT WOULD IT TAKE TO CONVINCE YOU OTHERWISE?  
EB: i dunno. something concrete i guess. something that couldn’t be programmed.  
CG: HOW’S THIS FOR UNPROGRAMMABLE? I LOVE YOU TOO, ASSWIPE!  
EB: um  
EB: yep  
EB: that would about do it.  
EB: <3  
CG: <3


End file.
